I am what I am

I feel like I've made a big mistake. Oh well.
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But anyways.
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The bathroom needs to be scrubbed all over. The whole room needs to be swept clean. Everything must be vacuumed - there's a family of spiders breeding on top of my cupboard already. The bedsheet needs a change. My 2 bakul of freshly laundered baju needs to be folded and put away.

Or maybe I just let them rot as they're successfully doing now.

I feel this time of year is the worst time for me so far. The lowest point of the year July - September. I don't know why. I had more fever compared to last year and the year before and the year before that combined, coupled with muscle sprained. I'm having problems with work, I've been facing difficulties to work peacefully. Something is wrong with my nose now, it's bleeding from inside sometimes, and it's never dry these days it feels like I'll have flu forever. I have a very low self esteem right now I don't know how I get through the day without going crazy. I'm so vulnerable to the point where I think anyone can take advantage of me anytime they want. My head feels heavy. I have so much to think. And I am broke.

Something is going on inside my head. It's not at rest. I am not calm. I feel incomplete and incapable. Do you know that feeling when you're trying to understand something but it kinda eludes you in some mystical ways? Even the simplest thing you can't get hold of. It only comes to you later after everything has happened and you lost something along the way.

Oh I'm never gonna get this right am I.