Monday, November 28, 2005


Dear diary,
I haven't been completely honest with you. Even how much I have been trying to tell myself that I'm over Bad or convince you that I am, the truth is I'm not. Can you forgive me? Something has happened, and it made me really think about it real hard. I have been pushing people away and use him as an excuse when he's no longer there. Well, is he? It's been almost a year and I've been holding on. Do I still stand a chance? Will we ever be together again? I had to know.

You see, what I feel for him is true and strong. I understand that 2 years is not much compared to 7 or 10 years like some people have. But I do understand too that time is not what counts when it comes to measuring how deep your love is to someone. I have made a promise last time and I believe I've told you about it, that I won't mess it up next time I'm in a relationship. I'm going to throw in everything. I'm going to build my world around him. I'm going to get crazy about it. If it has to be someone, I want it to be Bad. I wanted him to know that and I wasn't sure what would he say.

Something has happened, so I mustered all my strength to press that dial button last night.

Dear diary,
I explained everything to him. I made it clear that I didn't want sympathy. I offered him everything (well not everything, you know what I mean diary). I was willing to wait, should he say yes to us. I would tolerate everything, I would give him the world. I would make him happy, I would be the one behind him to cheer him on towards his success, I would be the one to catch him when he falls. I would be the stars around him when he smiles, I would be his tears when he crumbles and cries. I would live on every breath he takes and I would cherish every moment. All these and more, should he say yes. I would work everything out, should he say yes. I presented all that I am to him, but diary,... he turned me down.

My dear diary,
What's a girl got to do? Willing to give everything only not to be accepted. It felt like piercing blunt stabs right at my heart. Although I was prepared for this, I wasn't expecting it to be so painful. But now I know my life as I know it is not going to be the same anymore. Looks like I'm not going to build my world around Bad after all. To be honest, I don't blame him. I can't force him to say things he doesn't want to say. That's not what you do to someone you love, right diary?

My trusted diary,
I would love to be happy and whole again. He will always have a place in my heart. I believe a day will come when I can look back on it and smile. It's rather weird what I'm feeling, I'm happy that he leads a happy life now while I'm still at lost without him in mine. What do you think of this diary? Do you think this is enough? Or should I have done more?

Dear diary,
My heart is broken and his decision has destroyed me to pieces. That man doesn't know how much he means to me. Yet I am going to accept this as a sign that I'm stronger than I ever thought I would ever be. I have been through a year, why can't I do another?

Dear diary,
I'm tired. I'm going to retire now. I'm going to close you and start a new one. Who knows what's in store for me in the future? You have been great and for that I say thank you. Goodbye, dearest diary.


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